Nobody else can tell you what you need to recover. Only you know the answer.
Go within. Explore. Ask yourself what healthy practices you need to begin to heal, and that which are sustainable for YOU. And be open to the possibility that it may change now and again as you grow and evolve.
S.P.E.A.R.
STOP PAUSE EMOTE ALLOW REST
Love and blessings,
Wendy
“I’m living my life.
It is filled with wellness, loving family and friends, a career that I adore where I am blessed to serve others, a beautiful, cozy little home, organic foods, a car to drive, laughter, and peace…all by the grace of God.
I am full. I want for nothing else.”
Love,
Wendy
“I lived in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze equipped with zero coping skills. My parents coped with drugs, alcohol and destructive behaviors…hence my own learned behavior. We absolutely “live what we learn.” And, we know that mental illness and substance use disorder are genetic, and that environment is also a contributing factor.
At the age of fourteen, I suffered sexual abuse/molestation by an ex-boyfriend, Eddie G., (who was eighteen and had already been in jail once), and five of his friends on the side of the road in broad daylight as I was walking from my home to the local movie theatre to see my then boyfriend. They surrounded me on a busy highway, Route 9W, on a cold February day, and these young men, put their hands inside of my bra, and in my underwear as they laughed and shouted obscenities the entire time. I was screaming and trying to push them off of me, to no avail. When they were done, they walked away laughing, and left me on the ground. I can remember feeling dizzy and a heaviness in my head as I sat there on the cold ground, stunned, for what seemed like hours but was merely just a few minutes. Cars were whizzing by as I stood up, straightened out my clothes, brushed myself off, and continued walking to the movie theater where I was going to see my then boyfriend who was an usher at the theater. I arrived there, smiled, and never told anyone what had happened to me that day. I now know that the trauma I experienced that day, one which I never processed, profoundly affected my mental health. And, as I have learned many years later, our mental health is directly related to our physical health. I would spend the next 40 years struggling with my mental, physical, and spiritual health, and with an addiction to prescription drugs, all in an attempt, albeit an unhealthy attempt, to numb the memories, the noise in my head, the abuse, the neglect, the dysfunction, the rage, the screaming, the threats…all of it, until I could no longer run from myself, my thoughts, my memories, or my reality at age 54.
In early 2013, shortly before I asked for help to save my life, my body was frail and malnourished as I suffered with many health issues in addition to IBD/IBS, such as a Lupus diagnosis, and organs (kidneys and lungs) that were no longer functioning normally, related to my drug use, and my brain’s neurotransmitters were all but deadened by the toxicity of the pills, and the lack of nourishment and fluids. I would fall asleep mid-sentence, could not complete a thought, felt confused and disoriented, slept all day, and stayed awake at night as I was suffering from a drug-induced psychosis where I believed I was being watched through the heating vents in the house, through the television, and through my stereo speakers. Paranoid delusions caused by ingesting over 2,000 pills a month. I was even driving short distances where I would experience severe lightheadedness and fainting spells where I could just stay awake and pull over long enough to call 911. A couple of times with my youngest child in the car, I began to fall asleep at the wheel and she’d scream, “Mom!” This loud scream would save our lives on more than one occasion. My children paid a dear price for my addiction, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.”
My book, Write Pray Recover:A Journey To Wellness Through Spiritual Solutions and Self Care is my story of living with lifelong Substance Use Disorder and co-occurring mental health disorders, and my “Wellness Approach to Recovery,” now in my ninth year.
My inspirational/interactive book is tentatively scheduled for release this December! Please check back for updates, and upcoming giveaways!
Thank you for following my story. My only intention is to raise awareness, eliminate stigma, and to serve others living with these disorders, and of course, it is cathartic for me in my own recovery to share my story.
Love, gratitude and blessings,
Wendy
“I remind myself each day that God does not need my help, and anything that I choose to force will not last as it is not meant to be.”
Love and blessings,
Wendy
CHAPTER 13 – SURRENDER
When the ambulance came to get me to bring me to the hospital on the day that I asked for help to save my life, I was in grave health. I was in and out of consciousness and in severe withdrawal from codeine pills and Xanax, and many other controlled substances, severe dehydration, as well as lack of nutrition, nutrients, and vitamins, due to a severe eating disorder. But, when I came to, I remember feeling a sense of peace. I remember speaking aloud to Spirit and saying, “I surrender. I’m not afraid.” I knew that whatever was meant to be, whether I was to live or die, it would be. I remember saying that I was ready for whatever God had planned. I did not beg for my life, as I just had a knowing that I hadn’t been brought this far to be taken now. I “knew” that God had a plan for me because I heard Him say so when I prayed for him to show me the way out on the night before I asked for help. I surrendered. Surrender is the ultimate freedom.
This experience and vivid memory has had a profound impact on me. When we understand that we have absolutely no control over any situation, we understand surrender. Over the years in desperation of wanting a specific outcome, I had sometimes forgotten my greatest lesson in surrender where my life hung in the balance all held in the Universe/God/Spirit’s loving embrace. I would try to manipulate an outcome that I felt was best for me or that I wanted. After a short while of constant struggle, constant frustration, and constant physical illness caused by this mental stress, I was reminded that it is with radical acceptance, aligned with ease and grace given by my connection to Spirit, which would be the healthiest strategy. I surrendered to the Universe and trusted in whatever solutions were presented. I have never been disappointed in the gorgeous blessings that the Universe has bestowed upon me. Some, in fact, were blessings I could never have imagined for myself.
Most recently, I was struggling financially and thought about going back to teaching which is one of my passions and where I could earn a better living. I prayed for guidance, and through my friend, Karen’s words of encouragement, (I believe that the Universe speaks to us through others) I applied for a position. Honestly, I went into the interview very prepared, but with absolutely no expectations. I was 61 years old and thought they would go for someone younger and with more updated experience. However, the Universe is always in control of our destiny! I began seeing the city name where I was eventually to be hired everywhere! I knew that the Universe was reassuring me that I would soon have this new job and be able to crawl out of debt, not to mention have the opportunity to do the work I am passionate about within my community with youth who have similar circumstances as I had as a young girl. Who better than me to guide them?! Not only did I get this new job, but I was asked to teach at our Teacher’s Center at extra pay, and then the Universe provided me with an opportunity to offer, through my private practice, holistic health counseling working with clients in recovery, and offering my self created mental health and wellness professional developments and presentations where teacher’s who attended my trainings would received professional credits! Can you say blessing, blessing, blessing?!
Amen! Amen! Amen!
I just listened to the Spiritual guidance that I was receiving, opened my mindset to new perspectives, (the miracle shift!), and I was guided through spiritual solutions to choices that would enhance my career, not to mention allow me to serve, which is my passion, and my mission!
The moment that I surrendered, prayed, believed and trusted in the loving presence of the Universe/God/Spirit, I received abundance!
I do believe that the years of my “wellness recovery”, my extensive training in mental health and Substance Use Disorder, Social Emotional Learning and in all of my successes within my challenges, detours, and un-successes, (every experience is a learning tool!) prepared me for this new challenge working with inner city youth who do not easily adapt to change, and who are in need of much social emotional development and TLC. I consider myself so deeply blessed, and I am so grateful. And, to create a professional development in response to COVID19, mental health awareness, trauma informed care, and racial inequity that is being widely embraced! Talk about Divine timing! My knowledge and training were being requested by Spirit to be shared with my community at this devastating time of the COVID pandemic. It was a win-win.
Learning to adapt to and to appreciate what is, “knowing it is in our highest blessing” is acceptance. Radical acceptance. Attempting to force any circumstances actually diminishes one’s self-respect and compromises one’s self-love. It also blocks our faith. When a situation is supposed to come to fruition, and in time it does, then we know that the Universe has strategized and lovingly schemed to place on our path what was meant to be all along. Being grounded deeply in faith, and trusting Spirit although we cannot “see” the proof is the peace of surrender that sustains our faith.
I am now a much sought after mental health and wellness consultant and educator, and in addition to my practice, and my educational mental health and wellness trainings, I also sit on a coalition that serves to educate, empower and save the lives of our youth through our work and engagement in our community. We teach about substance use disorder and mental illness as we raise awareness and increase our public health approach through our language and of our understanding of the facts of these brain disorders.
Once I learned to surrender and “give over,” to Divine direction and timing, and learned to experience each experience to the fullest in order to enhance my wellness and to connect more deeply myself, to others, and spiritually, all of my highest blessings unfold organically. The way that all beautiful and healthy things emerge.
SUGGESTIONS IN PRACTICING SURRENDER
Even after a hard fall, you accept that there is no other way to travel but to get back on the bike and pedal forward. You pick yourself up, get back on the bike, and begin your journey again, with caution, slow and steady. You’re holding on, eyes wide open, ready for the new adventure, and ready to explore all of the beauty and possibilities that the Universe will place on your path. This is your ride. You choose the speed you’re comfortable with as you listen to your inner GPS (God’s Plan of Surrender), and navigate the terrain with ease, with wonder, and with purpose. You can peel out, burn rubber, make sparks fly, or just coast, but most importantly, you can enjoy the ride!
It’s a feeling, a deep and connected feeling we experience that tells us that the Universe’s plan for us, and all that we desire—a co-creation—is unfolding. We experience feelings of a source, or force, pulling us like a magnet to metal, and we cannot break free of the current. We begin to feel euphoric and grateful in knowing that all that we have prayed for as we have done all of the right things for ourselves and others, is coming to fruition in the form of blessings. If we nurture this co-creation, we will be amazed at our own power when aligned with the love and guidance of the Universe.
When we believe that all that we have is crumbling into pieces, and we believe we have been left with nothing, we may finally surrender, and then, in that space, in our clarity, we find everything that we need.
When we surrender to God/Universe/Spirit, we are trusting that we are being Divinely guided on a path that will serve our highest blessings. We cannot see, or know, all that the Universe can, so we place our trust in the direction in which we are guided.
When you begin to feel fear escalating, when you are stepping away from faith, ask the Universe, “What action would best serve me in this moment?” Then, get still and listen to your intuition as you connect to your loving and enlightened guides, and that of your own “knowing.”
Ask for a specific sign that will be specifically meaningful to you. Write down the sign you have asked for. Wait for it. Allow your intuition to be your guide. When you receive it, memorialize it below, or in your own journal.
When we stand in our faith and connection, Spirit uses that channel to vibrate meaning through a variety of modalities specific to your relationship. Tune in. You will learn quite quickly the “lines of communication” that are open between you. The more that you communicate, the more Spirit will communicate. Now you have an ongoing dialogue! This will assist you in remaining in the present moment, to deepen your faith, and to guide you to remain awake and aware of your connection.
Since beginning your spiritual practice, in what ways have you surrendered?
How has it freed you? Served you? What have you learned through the practice of surrender? Do you feel any challenges in the practice of Surrender?
List the ways in which your thinking and behavior have become aligned since your surrender. How has your life changed as you practice Spiritual Surrender? Do you notice any improved physical health changes along the way as you have surrendered?
What modalities does Spirit use to communicate with you personally? How do you communicate with Spirit?
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My book is tentatively scheduled to be released in December, 2021! Please check back for updates and free giveaways coming!
Love and blessings,
Wendy
“We all have feelings and emotions. Some days they may stop us in our steps and say, “Hello, I need to be acknowledged!” Sometimes this may be a delayed trauma response, or it may be a culmination of chronic stressors where we feel overwhelmed.
Give your feelings a voice. Honor your emotions.
“STOP. PAUSE. EMOTE. ALLOW. REST. –
S.P.E.A.R.”
Allow yourself to feel, and take whatever time you need. Practice extra self care.
For those who mean well by telling you to “Focus on your blessings! Be positive,” give yourself permission and power to realize when others do not know how to support us appropriately, and do not have the skill, or the experience and words that we may need at the time, know that they mean well. And, some may be uncomfortable observing as we experience emotions and feelings because it may force them to go within where they may be suppressing their own feelings and emotions that also need validation.
We ALL have mental health.
When we are feeling mentally unwell, we do not need to “focus on our blessings and all the positives in our lives.“ What we need is a safe space, and the time, however long that is for us, to experience the experience.
S.P.E.A.R. yourself into the experience. Ask for support if you feel you need support. This begins the healing process.
Whatever healthy practices you need to heal, do it…and take your time.”
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Awareness promotes wellness.
Honor your feelings. Speak your truth. In the silence and in your safe space, this awareness is present and palpable.
Begin here.
Awareness promotes wellness and wellness promotes freedom.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
In order that we experience awareness of others to the extent of connection, and of serving, we must be fully connected to self, and to God/Spirit/Universe. We must authentically live with a heart and mind filled with empathy and logic, remaining steadfast in clear intention, and allow Spirit to guide us. Here are two stories of epic awareness…awareness of self, of another, and of Spirit.
…ALWAYS, “LOOK UP CHILD”
As I sat working on Chapter 1 in early July, 2021, to re-edit some of my writing as suggested by my editor at Friesen Press, for more of an even flow of text for the reader to follow, I sat to ponder a title for the chapter that was about the abuse and challenges of my childhood, and subsequently turning to God/Spirit/Universe for support and loving guidance in early 2013 to save my life. I couldn’t think of a title in the moment, so I got up to make some tea and said to myself, “I don’t need a title just yet. I will think about it.” I started into the kitchen to make the tea. As I began to walk towards the kitchen, still in my bedroom where my work space is, and where my music was playing on Pandora, (God/Spirit/Universe always speaks to me through music), the song by Lauren Daigle, “Look Up Child” began to play. I stopped right in my steps, and turned around to look at the bluetooth speaker and saying to myself, and then aloud, “Thank you, Spirit!” I immediately realized that THIS was a spiritual suggestion for the Chapter 1 title! So awesome, and so “normal” in my spiritual connection! I am always given guidance and direction to my highest blessings! I called my son, Matthew, to share that the Universe had just communicated with me with a suggested title that was perfect! I never would have come up with that on my own!
Where are You now
When all I feel is doubt?
Oh, where are You now
When I can’t figure it out?
“You’re not threatened by the war
You’re not shaken by the storm
I know you’re in control
Even in our suffering
Even when it can’t be seen
I know You’re in control
Oh I, I-I-I, I hear You say
I hear You say
Look up child, Look up…” – Lauren Daigle
BRIAN BAILEY…”THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE.”
Recently, as I read my dear friend, Brian’s Instagram page about his own book being prepared for publishing, my heart filled with so much gratitude and love for my friendship with Brian. We met in 2013, shortly after I began my recovery, and Brian had been attending a 12 step meeting that I decided to give a try. It turned out that the 12 step approach was not for me, and instead, I opted to create, and to follow my own holistic “Wellness Approach to Recovery,” however, Brian was the Divine blessing and gift in my short time of attending these meetings. Spirit brings us all that we need…people, situations, and places in the most creative and healing ways. Brian was another “gift along the way” on my path of recovery.
Brian’s journey was one of severe childhood abuse and neglect, being imprisoned and sexually trafficked at the age of four years old, needing the protection of Child Protective Services, living in a foster home. Later on, Brian battled addictions, and other challenges which we know are a direct “trauma response.”
Brian and I became fast friends. One of the kindest and sweetest souls I’ve ever met. In the beginning of my own recovery, I was hosting a radio show on Intention Radio on the internet called, “The Rx Diaries,” and my dear friend Brian, in an attempt to help me to succeed in sharing my own story of lifelong prescription drug addiction and co-occurring disorders, as well as to share his own story to help others, agreed to allow me to interview him for my radio show.
His story was almost unbelievable, yet so true, and more common than we know. It was compelling, chilling, awe inspiring, and probably the most frightening account of abuse and neglect of a child that I had ever heard. As I listened to his account, my stomach tightened, my heart was racing, I felt a rush of tears thinking about what my friend had lived through at the hands of the people who were supposed to protect him, and I found myself completely engrossed in this sweet soul’s account of his “childhood.” My heart literally hurt inside of my chest as I listened, and tried to process Brian’s account of his trauma.
Brian and I enjoyed our friendship time together. I went to see him perform locally in “The King and I,” a brilliant performer, and we took my granddaughter, Rosie, out for lunch in our town, as well as spending lots of time texting and talking on the phone, engaging in many, many meaningful, heartfelt conversations. Eventually, after Brian moved to Rhode Island, (I live in New York) we lost touch, yet I always loved my friend, and my heart smiled when he crossed my mind. He had been such a great comfort to me, as well as a loving support, when I felt completely lost in early 2013 just starting out in my recovery. He was an anchor.
And then, God/Spirit/Universe, had a “reunion” planned for us one late night in 2018, even though we were living states apart, a reunion that would literally save Brian’s life.
Unable to sleep late one night in 2018, approximately 11:00 PM, restless and uneasy, I tapped my Facebook app to log on to divert my busy mind, and I immediately saw my friend Brian doing a Facebook LIVE. Brian was clearly intoxicated, and he seemed hopeless, helpless, and experiencing suicidal ideation. He was not making any sense, and was escalating in his agitation. He was also clearly delusional. I knew I had a limited window of opportunity to help my dear friend. Brian was spiraling, LIVE, in real time.
He needed help fast. He lived hours away in Rhode Island. I was trying to join him on the LIVE, unsuccessfully, and typing in the LIVE comments as I tried to get his attention, to guide him, and to let him know I was there, to no avail.
Brian was completely oblivious in his mental state and acuity, and was not responding to me. My heart began racing, and all I could do in that moment was to remember my Mental Health First Aid and Suicide Safety training…I’ve taught these steps to thousands in my work throughout my community…”breathe, remain present in order to be clear in stating the facts in order to send for help, and speak confidently. CALL 911.”
Unfortunately, implementing the ALGEE action plan (Mental Health First Aid-ASSESS for risk of suicide or harm, LISTEN NON-JUDGMENTALLY, GIVE REASSURANCE AND INFORMATION, ENCOURAGE APPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL HELP, and ENCOURAGE SELF HELP AND OTHER SUPPORT STRATEGIES) associated with my training and education where we attempt to administer Mental Health First Aid until help arrives or until the situation is resolved, was not an option, as I could not reach my friend via phone, Facebook, or text.
I immediately called the police in Brian’s town to assist. I calmly explained what I had just observed on Facebook, and that I was a Recovery Specialist who works in the field of mental health, and asked that they go over to Brian’s home to do a “wellness check.”
Unbeknownst to Brian, he was about to begin a brand new type of recovery…body, mind and spirit, as I reached out to a friend/colleague who works in the field at a top drug/alcohol/mental health facility in the country…if Brian made the decision to accept the help.
The very next morning, Brian called me while I was at work at the Mental Health Association. He was deeply grateful for my intervention, what we know was “Divine Intervention.” We talked for some time, and I suggested that he allow me to guide him in finding the perfect rehabilitation “fit,” for him so that he could begin a “holistic recovery” through an integrated approach, body, mind, and spirit, aligned with a traditional medical approach. He gratefully agreed.
I stayed close in support of Brian over the next couple of months as he reached out very often to vent, or to talk, or to tell me what he was afraid of as he prepared for treatment. I always took his calls, and checked up on him a few times a week while he awaited an empty bed in the facility. It was like this in every facility. A break down in “supply and demand.” This breakdown was life threatening, so I gratefully stood in as the “transition” until a bed became available. I knew once Brian entered the facility, he would not be allowed to have his phone to continue our communication. I let him know that I would be there in “spirit,” and cheering him on in the background, praying for his wellness, and that I would be here when he returned home, and was ready to speak. I told him that one day we would, together, serve others living with these dis-orders, and now, both of us have written books to serve others.
Brian is doing so well today, and writing his book so that he may share all that he has experienced in order to serve others. Brian has crawled out of the darkness through Spirit’s light and grace, and now shines his light, also led by Spirit, for others to find their own way.
As a young boy being abused, Brian would look up and sing out, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine “to connect to Spirit.”
Here is what he wrote to me in May, 2021.
“EARTH ANGEL! Oh. Do I have your permission to tell our story, because you threw a buoy…my dear!”
What a blessing to have been chosen by Spirit to help my friend in God’s grace! My answer?, “Of course. Anything for you, my dear friend.”
Brian went on to thank me for all of the work that I do daily in being of service to those who are living with Substance Use Disorder, and Mental Illness.
“And bravo for the daily work you BE for guiding our future! Not work for the faint of heart! The work ahead requires complete transparency. Vulnerability. And how we lift each other cause sometimes we can’t lift ourselves!”
God/Spirit/Universe guided and used me that night to save Brian’s life. This was the purpose which brought us to cross paths in 2013, as well as Brian being a gift to me along my own recovery journey. And, It was an answer to my daily prayer…
“Today please show me who to see, where to go, what to say, and to whom, to help another person.”
As a matter of routine, I am never up at that late hour, and certainly not on Facebook. I was guided there by our loving Universe. Spirit is always guiding us and using us to serve and support others. If we are open to Divine communication, we are able to see and hear beyond our physical limitations, and truly serve. Humility.
Brian is one of my truest inspirations. What an incredible and brave man and journey. I can’t wait for everyone to hear Brian’s courageous story.
Love you my dear friend. I am honored to be your friend, and to call you mine, and I’m so grateful to be a part of your story. I cherish our friendship.
Brian’s light is shining once again, and in sharing his story, and in serving others, it becomes brighter and brighter.
My dear Brian, Spirit heard your voice singing, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine,” and answered on that late night in 2018.
“Faith that perseveres is faith that is strengthened.” And, it is food for the soul.”
Check back for book release updates. WRITE PRAY RECOVER:A JOURNEY TO WELLNESS THROUGH SPIRITUAL SOLUTIONS AND SELF CARE is tentatively scheduled for publication in December, 2021!
I will also be offering free giveaways, so please check back!
Love, blessings, and gratitude,
Wendy
“The less energy we put into other people’s opinions and reactions as to how and why we choose to stand in our power in speaking our truth is energizing for those of us who choose our wellness and integrity over anything, or anyone else.”
Love, Wendy
“If you feel that God is too far away to reach, that He isn’t close enough to hear you, observe how far you have strayed.
He is still in the same place.”
Love,
Wendy
Write Pray Recover 