Time has changed everything…
and nothing at all.
Love,
Wendy
Tag: mentalhealthawareness
“Too Nice” is a Trauma Response: Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Being ‘too nice’—something I have learned to curb as I began honoring my own needs and desires first—is often praised, but sometimes it develops as a survival strategy rather than a genuine expression of kindness…a “trauma response.”
Those of us who grew up in environments where love, approval, safety, or acceptance felt conditional may learn to keep the peace by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. We may choose to avoid conflict, over-explain, have difficulty saying no, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or consistently tolerate behavior that violates one’s boundaries.
The difference is that true kindness comes from choice, while people-pleasing often comes from fear—fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism, disappointment, or disapproval.
Kindness says: “I want to help.”
People-pleasing says: “I have to help, or something bad will happen.”
Many people spend years believing they are simply nice when, in reality, they are working tirelessly to earn love, safety, acceptance, and even what they think is peace. But there is nothing peaceful about repeatedly abandoning your own needs, desires, and truth in order to make others comfortable.
The healing often comes when a person realizes they can be compassionate and loving without abandoning themselves in the process…something that took me decades to learn…and finally…master…where self preservation is our greatest self care…
Boundaries and kindness can exist together.
Self care is the actions that we take to achieve wellness…and wellness is where we stand in our power.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Dominoes:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
A single domino falls, and suddenly an entire chain of events unfolds. Sometimes the first domino was set in motion years earlier by something we didn’t choose—a childhood lesson, a painful experience, an illness, a relationship, a loss.
Other times it’s a decision we make that quietly changes the direction of everything that follows.
This image below of the dominoes suggests that one event directly affects another…
And that’s true.
But so does one act of awareness.
One healthy choice.
One moment of courage.
One different perspective.
AFTERTHOUGHTS:
As I sit in reflection and meditation, and as I pray for perspective, this is what comes to me…
I have done the therapy. I have done the recovery work. I have examined my patterns. I have worked on unlearning old beliefs. I have fought for, and continue to fight for my health and wellness. I have tried to grow from every difficult and challenging experience.
And…at some point a person naturally looks around and says:
“Okay… when do I get to stop managing everything?” “When can I trust the dominoes to remain sturdy and standing on their own?” or “When will someone come along to lessen the load…just a tad…”
Not because I am giving up…But because I am exhausted from the constant need for maintenance.
Exhausted of tending the garden.
Exhausted of picking up the dominoes.
Exhausted of having to be so conscious, so vigilant, so self-aware all the time.
The dominoes (metaphor) never seem to stay standing. Something always comes along…a health issue, a family issue, a work issue, a relationship issue—and here I am again…being called to reset the line…because if I do not tend to the calling…”all the kings horses and all the kings men…” blah, blah, blah.
The part I would gently challenge and that which I ask myself is this: “Am I really back at the beginning each time?”
The circumstances may feel repetitive, but I engage each situation with lived experience and a wider lens of perspective where I can reframe the “assignment”.
I have to admit that eventually resilience starts to feel like a job description nobody asked for.
And when people say, “You’re so strong,” sometimes this is not a compliment…it is a burden…an expectation that I didn’t sign up for…
And you know what?!…for today…I am leaving the dominoes where they are…I am at peace with that as I take a pause to rest…
Somebody else can pick them up today…
And if nobody does, they’ll still be there tomorrow.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Unlearning is a Learned Mindset:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
We make choices and decisions based on what we have been taught and what has been modeled as normal.
Yet, unlearning can also be a learned behavior...one that is mindful, healthy, and transformative. It invites us to open ourselves to new perspectives, challenge old assumptions, and view situations through a wider lens.
Growth often begins not with learning something new, but with being willing to see something differently.
AFTERTHOUGHTS:
Over the past decade plus, I’ve been questioning long-held beliefs about responsibility, self-sacrifice, work, relationships, health, and even what it means to care for yourself. This is not just learning—it’s unlearning. And sometimes that is the harder, braver work…the work that calls for inner reflection, self compassion, courage and the willingness to create change.
My reflections recognizes something many people overlook…we don’t arrive at our beliefs, reactions, and choices in a vacuum. They were shaped by family systems, culture, experiences, wounds, triumphs, and the examples we witnessed from our caregivers and others in our orbit. Understanding that can bring self compassion rather than judgment, and can be the catalyst to transformation…slowly and methodically.
At the same time, I believe my reflection carries a message of hope. If behaviors, beliefs, and ways of seeing the world were learned, then they can also be reexamined, refined, and many times…released. We are never bound by what was handed to us…we can loosen our grip, release it, and unlearn…replacing our original beliefs with what aligns with who we are, and who we are “becoming.”
I remember Steve telling me years ago to “assume nothing and question everything.” And I have repeatedly engaged in endless questioning for a deeper understanding of where my beliefs and behaviors have originated, and if and how they serve me. I have chosen mindful “unlearning” of what does not benefit my lifestyle, and of those in my life.
One of my favorite ideas is that wisdom is not always found in adding more. Sometimes wisdom is found in subtracting what no longer aligns with with who we are and who we are “becoming”…old fears, outdated narratives, inherited expectations, and limiting beliefs.
In that sense, unlearning is every bit as sacred as learning.
“Unlearning” IS a mindful, learned mindset.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Holding Space for the “Ands” – Dancing Slowly Through Life:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Music is one of my greatest lifelines, and moving my body to the songs I love is a kind of euphoria I never want to lose.
Last night, knowing my spinal challenges and Lupus required care, I still got lost in the music—“Hurts So Good” (pun intended). I stood up beside Dan at the restaurant table and began to move with joy and exhilaration…and belting out the lyrics. 🙂
He gently put his arm around my waist and said, “Please be careful… you don’t really want to ‘hurt so good.”
And…he was right.
Afterwards when I got home, I lay awake convinced I might have re-fractured my spine. I even considered going to the ER. Thankfully, this morning I can breathe again—literally—and my body is okay.
And…lesson taken to heart.
It is frustrating at times, learning to honor a body that has changed. I can’t dance the way I once did. And…I am deeply grateful that I can walk with ease, work, and share life with the people I love.
I am holding space for the “ands” in my life.
I have limitations, and I still live a full, meaningful life in a body that has carried me through illness, addiction, heartbreak, loss, and even seasons when my spirit felt broken.
Life looks different now—but the “ands” remind me it is never black and white. There is so much life in the shades of gray.
I can still dance—more gently. I can still sing at the top of my lungs. I can still feel the music “move me”, experience nature, and words deeply, in ways that honor who I am today. I can still feel the euphoria when my grandchildren shriek with joy simply by being in my presence—just as I am.
I embrace the challenges and the experiences that bring me deeper self-awareness in my aging body, uncovering new strengths and resilience as I live into this evolving version of my life.
And that, too, is exhilarating.
It really is about how we choose to embrace change…and, choosing new perspectives.
We create the trajectory of our new normal.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
May is Mental Health Awareness Month – Depression Is A Mental Health Disorder – Love, Wendy
May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
Please be mindful of your words and language…
Things not to say to someone who is depressed:
“It will pass.”
“Just forget about it.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Just think positive.”
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
Depression is not weakness, negativity, or lack of gratitude.
It is emotional pain that deserves compassion, patience, support, and empathy.
It IS a mental health disorder.
It IS diagnosable and treatable.
Sometimes the most healing words are simply…
“I’m here.”
“You matter.”
“You don’t have to carry this alone.”
“I can see how difficult this is for you. How can I help?”
AND…
“I can help you find the proper resources if you are open to it.”
All a person needs who is living with depression is to know that one other person cares.
I am a trained mental health specialist, educator and consultant in Mental Health First Aid, Suicide Safety for Schools, Trauma Informed Care, De-Escalation, Conflict Resolution, Motivational Interviewing, Spiritual Wellness, Mental Health and Wellness, to name a few…
Even I, a well trained mental health professional, live with bouts of depression and need support.
It is the greatest form of love and friendship.
To learn more about depression, go to https://www.nami.org
You can also contact your local Mental Health Association for free support.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Boundaries:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Even the most loving and compassionate people have their limits…
It’s called boundaries.
One of the greatest acts of self care is to quietly remove yourself from situations and people that repeatedly and purposefully disrespect your soul, negatively impact your mental health, and hurt your heart.
Self care is the actions that we take to achieve wellness…and wellness is where we stand in our power.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Bloom:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
You cannot love someone into readiness, clarity, forgiveness, or mutuality…And cryptic messages are not endearing…
The emotionally intelligent thing to do is to stop editing the pain into polished language and simply let yourself feel the enormity of it without turning it into a conclusion.
It becomes exhausting trying to carry the full emotional weight while also being cast in a fixed role inside someone else’s unresolved story.
This is THEIR weight to carry and perhaps one day…they will unload the unnecessary baggage or even ask you to help them carry what has been weighing them down and free them from their skewed perception.
Until then…LIVE your life.
They are living theirs.
They will either find their own way…
Or not.
Love,
Wendy
Grace over Fear:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Recent neuroscience research at USC found that when deeply held beliefs are challenged, the brain activates the same threat-detection regions used in moments of physical danger. In other words, the brain can experience an attack on identity as a threat to survival itself. That’s why simply telling people to “be more open-minded” is rarely effective; defensive reactions often occur beneath conscious awareness. Those who struggle most with change are often not the least intelligent, but the most deeply invested in a particular identity, expertise, or worldview. When long-held foundations shift, it can feel less like learning something new and more like defending one’s very sense of self.
Perhaps true growth begins when we stop seeing change as a threat to our identity and start recognizing it as an invitation to deepen ourselves as we go within to explore and to discover and to evolve…and to deepen humanity. I have had to release many identities throughout my life — wife, the woman lost in addiction, even the version of myself who believed she had to suffer in silence to survive. What remains is something far more meaningful: a mother, a teacher, a woman in long term recovery, and a human being continually learning how to evolve with grace rather than fear.
Grace grounds us in what remains when everything else shifts—our capacity to stay present, to soften instead of resist, and to trust that even in change, we are still becoming whole.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Match the Energy:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
I will match your energy…Period.
There is never any good reason to deplete your energy for any person, regardless of who they are, or any situation that leaves you feeling drained and exhausted.
Your energy IS your fuel…
Burn it wisely.
I have found that meeting people where they are conserves my energy.
And the hard truth is that if you are truly doing your best…doing more will NEVER be enough.
#truestory
Love and blessings,
Wendy
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