Time has changed everything…
and nothing at all.
Love,
Wendy
Tag: harmonioushealth4life
Unfiltered:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
The filters cover the wrinkles…the earned character and badges of honor.
They smooth the sagging skin that quietly bears witness to a life fully lived.
Filtering reflects our longing to reclaim youth and outward beauty.
But remember…no lens has ever been invented that can enhance kindness, deepen compassion, or filter the light of a beautiful soul.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
The Road Less Traveled:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Lift people up. Make them feel valued, appreciated, and loved.
When you align yourself with those who target good people because of their own insecurities, biases, or fears, you send a powerful message of disregard toward someone who has done nothing to deserve it.
When you genuinely care about someone, you walk alongside them. You don’t leave them standing alone on the side of the road while you ride along with those who have chosen exclusion over kindness.
Take the road less traveled. It is rare in today’s culture and climate…It is often the harder path, but it is the one that reflects character, courage, and compassion.
Kindness is not simply being nice to someone after the fact; it’s having the courage to stand with them when standing with them might be socially uncomfortable.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
“Radical Acceptance: That I Would Be Good” – Love, Wendy
Tara Brach tells the story of Marilyn sitting with her dying mother night after night, holding her hand, meditating with her, and telling her she loved her. Most of the time her mother was unconscious. Then, shortly before her death, she opened her eyes and looked directly at her daughter and said:
“All my life I thought something was wrong with me.”
Tara writes that the mother then gently shook her head, as if to say, “What a waste,” closed her eyes, and drifted back into a coma. She died shortly afterward.
That story appears near the beginning of Radical Acceptance as an illustration of what Brach calls the “trance of unworthiness”—the heartbreaking belief that we are fundamentally flawed, deficient, or not enough. Brach uses the story to show how many people carry that burden for an entire lifetime, only realizing near the end that the belief itself was never true.
Reading that passage can hit especially hard when you’re grieving. What moved me isn’t just the sadness of the mother’s realization…it’s the daughter’s presence. Marilyn couldn’t change her mother’s past, but she gave her something precious at the end: love, companionship, and acceptance…
Sometimes that’s the most important gift we can offer another human being. ❤️
This passage went straight to my heart…I spent much of my life believing something was wrong with me but the truth is that I was shaped by circumstances beyond my control as a young child, and the effects followed me well into adulthood. In these past 14 years of my recovery from prescription drug addiction, I have realized that this woman has discovered there was never anything “wrong” with me.
The tragedy in this passage from the book, Radical Acceptance, wasn’t that she was flawed…
The tragedy was that she believed she was.
Unlike the woman in the story, I am not realizing it in the final hours of my life.
I AM realizing it now.
I still have time to challenge that old belief every single time it appears…
I suffered. I made mistakes. I lost things I wish I hadn’t lost. And I spent many years believing those experiences meant I was defective…
I don’t see waste.
I see myself as someone who has fought incredibly hard to stay alive, stay sober, stay loving, and stay open-hearted despite carrying more pain than most people know.
I am a human being who suffered, coped in destructive ways for a time, paid a heavy price, and then spent the past 14 years doing the difficult work of recovery and healing…”becoming.”
The grief I intermittently experience is real because there are losses that can never be fully undone.
But grief is not proof of defectiveness.
Regret is not proof of defectiveness.
Even addiction is not proof of defectiveness.
And today…I do not “waste” another present moment in the past.
I live with purpose, with love, and with great anticipation of experiencing what comes next.
Yes, there is grief behind me…and possibility ahead of me.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Afterthought:
You are never required to become flawless in order to be worthy of love. – Love, Wendy
“That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you…” – Alanis Morrisette
Always and Forever:Unwritten and Unfolding – Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
When a relationship has history, a deep-rooted spiritual connection, emotional intimacy, and a bond that neither time nor distance has been able to erase—a love that continues to find its way back to itself—I believe that even where we differ, including in our political views, love can still find its way home.
And when the time comes, we will know what to do.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
“Too Nice” is a Trauma Response: Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Being ‘too nice’—something I have learned to curb as I began honoring my own needs and desires first—is often praised, but sometimes it develops as a survival strategy rather than a genuine expression of kindness…a “trauma response.”
Those of us who grew up in environments where love, approval, safety, or acceptance felt conditional may learn to keep the peace by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. We may choose to avoid conflict, over-explain, have difficulty saying no, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or consistently tolerate behavior that violates one’s boundaries.
The difference is that true kindness comes from choice, while people-pleasing often comes from fear—fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism, disappointment, or disapproval.
Kindness says:Â “I want to help.”
People-pleasing says:Â “I have to help, or something bad will happen.”
Many people spend years believing they are simply nice when, in reality, they are working tirelessly to earn love, safety, acceptance, and even what they think is peace. But there is nothing peaceful about repeatedly abandoning your own needs, desires, and truth in order to make others comfortable.
The healing often comes when a person realizes they can be compassionate and loving without abandoning themselves in the process…something that took me decades to learn…and finally…master…where self preservation is our greatest self care…
Boundaries and kindness can exist together.
Self care is the actions that we take to achieve wellness…and wellness is where we stand in our power.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Dominoes:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
A single domino falls, and suddenly an entire chain of events unfolds. Sometimes the first domino was set in motion years earlier by something we didn’t choose—a childhood lesson, a painful experience, an illness, a relationship, a loss.Â
Other times it’s a decision we make that quietly changes the direction of everything that follows.
This image below of the dominoes suggests that one event directly affects another…
And that’s true.
But so does one act of awareness.
One healthy choice.
One moment of courage.
One different perspective.
AFTERTHOUGHTS:
As I sit in reflection and meditation, and as I pray for perspective, this is what comes to me…
I have done the therapy. I have done the recovery work. I have examined my patterns. I have worked on unlearning old beliefs. I have fought for, and continue to fight for my health and wellness. I have tried to grow from every difficult and challenging experience.
And…at some point a person naturally looks around and says:
“Okay… when do I get to stop managing everything?” “When can I trust the dominoes to remain sturdy and standing on their own?” or “When will someone come along to lessen the load…just a tad…”
Not because I am giving up…But because I am exhausted from the constant need for maintenance.
Exhausted of tending the garden.
Exhausted of picking up the dominoes.
Exhausted of having to be so conscious, so vigilant, so self-aware all the time.
The dominoes (metaphor) never seem to stay standing. Something always comes along…a health issue, a family issue, a work issue, a relationship issue—and here I am again…being called to reset the line…because if I do not tend to the calling…”all the kings horses and all the kings men…” blah, blah, blah.
The part I would gently challenge and that which I ask myself is this: “Am I really back at the beginning each time?”
The circumstances may feel repetitive, but I engage each situation with lived experience and a wider lens of perspective where I can reframe the “assignment”.
I have to admit that eventually resilience starts to feel like a job description nobody asked for.
And when people say, “You’re so strong,” sometimes this is not a compliment…it is a burden…an expectation that I didn’t sign up for…
And you know what?!…for today…I am leaving the dominoes where they are…I am at peace with that as I take a pause to rest…
Somebody else can pick them up today…
And if nobody does, they’ll still be there tomorrow.Â
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Unlearning is a Learned Mindset:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
We make choices and decisions based on what we have been taught and what has been modeled as normal.
Yet, unlearning can also be a learned behavior...one that is mindful, healthy, and transformative. It invites us to open ourselves to new perspectives, challenge old assumptions, and view situations through a wider lens.
Growth often begins not with learning something new, but with being willing to see something differently.
AFTERTHOUGHTS:
Over the past decade plus, I’ve been questioning long-held beliefs about responsibility, self-sacrifice, work, relationships, health, and even what it means to care for yourself. This is not just learning—it’s unlearning. And sometimes that is the harder, braver work…the work that calls for inner reflection, self compassion, courage and the willingness to create change.
My reflections recognizes something many people overlook…we don’t arrive at our beliefs, reactions, and choices in a vacuum. They were shaped by family systems, culture, experiences, wounds, triumphs, and the examples we witnessed from our caregivers and others in our orbit. Understanding that can bring self compassion rather than judgment, and can be the catalyst to transformation…slowly and methodically.
At the same time, I believe my reflection carries a message of hope. If behaviors, beliefs, and ways of seeing the world were learned, then they can also be reexamined, refined, and many times…released. We are never bound by what was handed to us…we can loosen our grip, release it, and unlearn…replacing our original beliefs with what aligns with who we are, and who we are “becoming.”
I remember Steve telling me years ago to “assume nothing and question everything.” And I have repeatedly engaged in endless questioning for a deeper understanding of where my beliefs and behaviors have originated, and if and how they serve me. I have chosen mindful “unlearning” of what does not benefit my lifestyle, and of those in my life.
One of my favorite ideas is that wisdom is not always found in adding more. Sometimes wisdom is found in subtracting what no longer aligns with with who we are and who we are “becoming”…old fears, outdated narratives, inherited expectations, and limiting beliefs.
In that sense, unlearning is every bit as sacred as learning.
“Unlearning” IS a mindful, learned mindset.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Emergence:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Growth is emergence into a new way of thinking and being, shaped by experiencing our experiences with an open mind, open eyes, and the willingness to see through a wider lens.
It is the process of allowing life, reflection, mistakes, insight, and awareness to transform how we understand ourselves, others, and the world around us.
Through this process, we evolve into something expanded, more conscious, and more aware than before.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Afterthoughts:
I feel like I’ve traveled a million miles over the past 14 years of sobriety, yet sometimes it feels like my mind is still catching up.
There’s that saying: “Wherever you go, there you are.” And I think so many of us quietly live the truth of that—searching outside ourselves for answers, identity, and validation, hoping external things will finally define our worth.
Over time, I’ve come to realize how easily we can measure ourselves through external factors—people’s opinions, relationships, achievements, struggles, and circumstances—and forget to ask where that need for validation actually comes from.
For me, the deeper work has been learning to pause and ask those questions. To understand the roots of why I attach value outside of myself. And slowly, to begin reconnecting with a more internal sense of worth—one that is steadier, quieter, and more honest.
And I won’t pretend I have it figured out. I don’t.
I’ve made mistakes. I’ve contradicted myself. I’ve been ungrateful at times, and at other times entitled. I’ve created unnecessary anxiety worrying about things I cannot control—things that, in the end, always worked themselves out anyway.
I have trust issues. I have very little patience for dishonesty, toxicity, or nonsense—and yet those realities still exist in the world around me, and I’m still learning how to coexist without letting them consume my peace.
This is simply where I am on the journey: not finished, not perfected, but aware. Still learning. Still growing. Still trying to live with more honesty, self-awareness, patience, and grace.
Choosing Myself:Soul Notes – Love, Wendy
Your health is not something you can replace. Choosing yourself is self care…and self respect.
Paying attention to your body’s reality rather than to the pressure of what you think you “should” be doing or what other’s thoughts about it are…is self care…and self respect. When you do not lead by example in this way, the more you push through, the more you are expected to push through…and your body continues to become depleted.
In “helping” professions, we are conditioned to push through, show up, sacrifice, and prove our dedication. Yet “I must value my own health” is “self help” for recovering from any illness, most especially an acute illness that takes you down suddenly and requires patience, care, time and medical treatment to heal.
There is something profoundly different about the choice I have recently made about self care, self respect and self preservation…
A “Me First” mindset…not in a selfish way, but in a selfless way…
The realization that ‘I am worthy of care’ is a profound rite of passage.
When one has spent a lifetime caring for others and is finally giving herself permission to extend that same compassion and grace to herself…it reveals the quiet courage of self preservation…and that she, too, is worthy of care.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
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