Tara Brach tells the story of Marilyn sitting with her dying mother night after night, holding her hand, meditating with her, and telling her she loved her. Most of the time her mother was unconscious. Then, shortly before her death, she opened her eyes and looked directly at her daughter and said:
“All my life I thought something was wrong with me.”
Tara writes that the mother then gently shook her head, as if to say, “What a waste,” closed her eyes, and drifted back into a coma. She died shortly afterward.
That story appears near the beginning of Radical Acceptance as an illustration of what Brach calls the “trance of unworthiness”—the heartbreaking belief that we are fundamentally flawed, deficient, or not enough. Brach uses the story to show how many people carry that burden for an entire lifetime, only realizing near the end that the belief itself was never true.
Reading that passage can hit especially hard when you’re grieving. What moved me isn’t just the sadness of the mother’s realization…it’s the daughter’s presence. Marilyn couldn’t change her mother’s past, but she gave her something precious at the end: love, companionship, and acceptance…
Sometimes that’s the most important gift we can offer another human being. ❤️
This passage went straight to my heart…I spent much of my life believing something was wrong with me but the truth is that I was shaped by circumstances beyond my control as a young child, and the effects followed me well into adulthood. In these past 14 years of my recovery from prescription drug addiction, I have realized that this woman has discovered there never was never anyting “wrong” with me.
The tragedy in this passage from the book, Radical Acceptance, wasn’t that she was flawed…
The tragedy was that she believed she was.
Unlike the woman in the story, I am not realizing it in the final hours of my life.
I AM realizing it now.
I still have time to challenge that old belief every single time it appears…
I suffered. I made mistakes. I lost things I wish I hadn’t lost. And I spent many years believing those experiences meant I was defective…
I don’t see waste.
I see myself as someone who has fought incredibly hard to stay alive, stay sober, stay loving, and stay open-hearted despite carrying more pain than most people know.
I am a human being who suffered, coped in destructive ways for a time, paid a heavy price, and then spent the past 14 years doing the difficult work of recovery and healing…”becoming.”
The grief I intermittently experience is real because there are losses that can never be fully undone.
But grief is not proof of defectiveness.
Regret is not proof of defectiveness.
Even addiction is not proof of defectiveness.
And today…I do not “waste” another present moment in the past.
I live with purpose, with love, and with great anticipation of experiencing what comes next.
Yes, there is grief behind me…and possibility ahead of me.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
Afterthought:
You are never required to become flawless in order to be worthy of love. – Love, Wendy
“That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you…” – Alanis Morrisette
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