Month: July 2022

I do not feel heard.

I am made to feel unimportant and insignificant.

I don’t feel safe to speak my truth.

When I am “dismissed.”

I feel that I have puposefully been left out.

I feel unsafe.

I feel unloved.

It doesn’t mean that my perception is accurate, but I am allowed to feel however I feel. It is up to me to ask questions, and to feel courageous enough to speak my truth no matter how scary it may be. This lets others know how I am feeling, and sets my own boundaries at the same time.

I remind myself that I can take good care of me, and that no matter what happens, and no matter what the truth of the circumstances turn out to be, I will always keep myself safe.

I will never disrespect or dishonor my own needs or desires.

I teach others how I expect to be treated by the way that I take care of myself.

Love and blessings,

Wendy

All of the inevitable change that has occurred in my life over the years of my recovery, some of which has been incredibly difficult and challenging, has helped me to evolve, and to realize that everything is temporary.

It has helped me to live fully in every moment, to love deeply in every moment, and to be grateful for all of the oppotunities that the Universe has provided for me to experience, to learn, to grow, and to evolve on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.

And, as I am typing this blog, the song, “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke began to play on the radio. The Universe is always listening, and communicating. We can hear it, see it, and feel it, when we are open to Divine communication, and spiritually connected.

Love and blessings,

Wendy

And it was under the light of the rising sun that the truth blinded me…

Freedom.

Please read my new article by clicking here! https://findaddictionrehabs.com/write-pray-recover/

Love and blessings,

Wendy

After we are born and begin our lives, as we are growing and learning, our healthy development is directly dependent upon having a secure and consistent attachment to our caregivers. It is consistency that sits at the core of our healthy mental and physical health.

“This sense of safety and feeling loved allows our nervous system to develop as it’s meant to, and creates the inner template we follow in all of our future relationships.

But when that attachment process is disrupted, it interrupts the healthy development of the nervous system, creating imbalances that have long-lasting psychological and biological effects inside us.”

During a recent therapy session with a trauma specialist, one who uses a trauma informed approach (the six principles of trauma-informed care: safety; trustworthiness and transparency; peer support; collaboration and mutuality; empowerment, voice and choice; and cultural issues) I was led to a heightened state of awareness where I had an epiphany as she encouraged me to “use your own words.” Right between the eyes. I kept repeating the words, “Oh my God, Wow,” over and over and over.

I am still being triggered by trauma. By specific people who aren’t even in my life anymore, and/or who have passed on. And I was feeling mentally drained, and physically unwell.

And although I practice daily self care, a person or situation does trigger emotions that I have not yet fully processed, and healed. And during that therapy session, it felt like the greatest re-awakening of my emotions as I talked about people, places and things that still trigger my deep sadness, anger, and my nervous system…severe and sometimes debilitating anxiety.

And she connected the dots with me…I recognized that I was choosing the same “people” that mirrored the adults tasked with my caregiving from the day I was born. Unhealthy, unstable, irresponsible, inconsistent adults.

All of my past adult relationships, even as recent as 2018, where I left a relationship because I was observing these “inconsistent, and unhealthy behaviors,” consistently, were mirroring the unstable and unhealthy adults in their own relationships that I observed throughout my entire life…consistently. This was the ONLY consistency that I had as a compass…dysfunction and trauma. On that I could always depend. It was my normal.

We live what we learn. And, we can unlearn unhealthy patterns of thoughts and behaviors, and create whatever trajectory we desire through mindful thoughts, behaviors, adapting and learning spiritual solutions and self care, and doing the intense trauma work necessary to heal.

Baby steps.

I chose to begin my wellness journey nearly ten years ago, and today, I am still unlearning, and learning for the first time, new healthy practices to support my wellness. These practices provide me with a feeling of deep connection to myself, and to others. I have done so much of the work over this past decade, and I continue to work, and to heal through self awareness, and self exploration and discovery.

I have the awareness as I begin to escalate in my symptoms, and have the tools to be able to self regulate using healthy practices. And I am connected to God/Spirit/Universe at all times which is where I “receive” the information that I need in order to move forward in a healthy and fruitful manner. One that enhances my life, and enhances my relationships. One where I am Divinely guided to make the healthiest choices in every situation as I listen and look beyond my physical limitations.

I have been empowered.

This is a lifelong unlearning and learning journey.

I am now able to discern what it is that will be a healthy choice for me, especially in the relationships that I choose to engage in short term, and in the long term.

Even after nearly a decade, I continue to learn, and more importantly, I continue to have the willingness to learn, in order to promote peace, love and wellness in my life. This includes removing anyone who exhibits even the slightest display of toxic behavior. Whether or not I love the person, is no longer a factor of connection if that person is toxifying my life. I have endured more than my share of toxicity throughout my entire life.

I choose to de-toxify every aspect of my life “in the living years”, and for the living years that are ahead of me. I am excited to live my life…my way, with God/Spirit/Universe at the center of my life.

I am no longer a hostage to all who came before me who lived in a mind prison of fear and accepting abusive, dysfunction, unhealthy and neglectful behaviors from one who “loved” them.

I have unlearned that type of “love.” I now understand the Divine, healthy meaning of LOVE.

My life was saved in order that I find my path upon a lifelong learning journey. Love, compassion, wellness, peace, joy, and service, by the grace of God.

“Say it loud, say it clear, You can listen as well as you hear.

It’s too late, when we die

To admit we don’t see eye to eye.

It may have a new perspective on a different day

And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in you may just be OK” – The Living Years, Mike and the Mechanics

Speak your truth. Listen to your gut. Follow your heart. Embrace a spiritual practice. Do the work.

Live your life “in the living years.”

It’s too late when we die.

Love and blessings,

Wendy

“I loved him not for what he had, or did not have, you know, the “stuff,” the money, the bling.” 
I loved how he loved me which is all I asked for…his heart, and to connect to his soul.
I loved him for love.

Time passes but true love, Divine Love always remains.”

Love always,

Wendy

In my 10th year of recovery, I am still reminded of other’s lingering trauma from when I was in active disease. And they have the right to feel what they feel. Let’s face it…
Although addiction/substance use disorder is a brain disease, it caused me to behave in unhealthy ways that deeply affected my own life, and that of my family and friends.
I will say that I still feel hurt and somewhat isolated from some of my family and friends. It is a “different” relationship. It is always respectful, and fun, and loving, yet, with a defiinite sense of an implied “keep your distance.”

At the same time, I have worked so hard and succeeded to reinvent myself, and to lead by example, and to love unconditionally.
I cannot force anyone to feel something that may be gone due to whatever they have experienced, and/or perhaps their unwillingness to truly forgive. And perhaps they are fearful of a deeper connection because they fear I will go back to unhealthy choices/behaviors.

If we are unwilling to have an honest dialogue, nothing ever gets resolved.
Certainly, when one says, “I’m fine. I’m not angry anymore,” with their arms folded across their chest with deep sadness in their eyes, I recognize the underlying sadness and pain.
And, “although the reality is deeply painful, I take comfort in knowing that I am never alone.”

I focus on the relationships that have healed, and the ones that I am engaged in where we are still working together to get to a more connected place.

It stings.
It sucks.
Both the disease and the destruction of the lives in its path, including my own.
But…I know that I have done, and continue to do my best…as a mother, a grandmother, a friend, a teacher/coach.

As painful as this is and heartbreaking for me, and for so many others who have survived this disease, all we can do is accept what is happening in the moment, and continue to pray.
We have no control over how someone else feels, or responds to us, or if that will ever change.

I continue to search for a deeper meaning. I believe I understand what that is… that we have no control…over anything…

I continue to practice my S.P.E.A.R. and S.W.I.M. into Wellness program to guide me, daily, through this process.

You can read about my program in my book Write Pray Recover:A Journey To Wellness Through Spiritual Solutions and Self Care is available on Amazon, and other stores online worldwide.

Love and blessings,

Wendy

P.S. LIVE YOUR LIFE…FOR YOU. WHOEVER IS MEANT TO BE ON YOUR JOURNEY WITH YOU, WILL BE.