“In the past, I have given willingly and selflessly of my kind and loving nature to anyone who needed a smile, a hug, a shoulder, an ear, and/or one who may have felt alone, or lonely. One who did not have anyone to offer these basic necessities. Friendship. Empathy. Compassion. Love. Even a cheerleader. I always felt that it is an honor to be “called” to offer love.
In the past, I have always stood in the belief that when we give away to others what we feel we need, the Universe will bring it back to us in our own blessings. The ripple effect that offers love, peace, and wellness. I have always believed that when I felt I needed love, I gave more love. When I felt I needed empathy, I offered deeper empathy…and so on.
It turns out that not everyone is of the same mindset. Yesterday, on Thanksgiving Day, I was given a brutal reminder that there are others who are unable, and/or unwilling to feel empathy, compassion and unconditional love, or to offer a genuine word of encouragement, let alone friendship. And, even more unconscionable, watching this man purposefully try to attempt to jeopardize my recovery right in front of our family.
I am proud to be in my 9th year of recovery from substance use disorder, specifically prescription drugs, where I am thriving and living my life on my own terms where God/Spirit/Universe is at the foundation of it all.
You cannot outsmart the Universe.
The behavior that which was intentinally directed at me, could not penetrate my discipline to my wellness. And, I actually felt empathy for him because this particular pattern of behavior that has existed decades long, is something that he is struggling with internally.
It was not about me.
For decades, I allowed one with a disingenuous soul use my kindness, love, and beautiful heart to their own selfish advantage. The daily conversations and the majority of situations was always centered around him. I was completely invisible. So much so that at the breakfast table, after cooking a beautiful meal for him, day after day, month after month, he held up a newspaper in front of his face so that he would not have to speak to me, or wore headphones to listen to the radio in order to purposefully “turn me off.” I cried myself to sleep every night, or just numbed out with prescription pills for decades due to living with one who could not feel, or offer any emotional connection. And, I was too unwell to leave.
My hell and my haven.
I developed an addiction to shopping in addition to the prescription drugs in order to attempt to fill the void that I felt. It was the only way I knew how to cope with such despair, neglect, deep lonliness, as well as the emotional abuse.
My upcoming book, Write Pray Recover:A Journey To Wellness Through Spiritual Solutions and Self Care will outline some of the details of that toxic relationship, and the lengths that I went to in order to try to “force” him to love me, and how I learned to love myself instead using “spiritual solutions and self care.”
I had to ask myself yesterday, and this morning, “Why do I continue to allow myself to be aligned with this man, and to be in the same space with him in order to please our family, albeit infrequently?
The answer? I still have more inner work to do. The triggers that he generates in me are all about me. I am the only one who can reconcile any feelings of unworthiness or feelings of being “unlovable.”
I am grateful for this experience. It has offered me the opportunity to recognize any lingering feelings of unworthiness or feelings of being unlovable, and to go more deeply to heal those emotions. I did not waiver in my response to this man. My response exuded self confidence, self esteem and the behavior of a grown ass woman.
I kept my eyes right on his, my words were deliberate, and calm, and when “I” was done speaking my truth, I smiled, and I moved right along into starting a new conversation with others.
I have grown. I have evolved. And yes, I will continue to learn and to do the inner work to heal further.
Most importantly, I will never again allow anyone else, no matter who they are, family, friend, child, peer, acquaintence, to steer the trajectory of my thoughts and behaviors.
This grown ass woman has definitely “changed her spots.” Not all snakes shed their skin.
Speak you truth. It is where your freedom begins.
Please watch for my upcoming publishing date for Write Pray Recover!
Love and blessings,