“In the beginning of my recovery, I sought out advice on every decision I was about to make, from everyone, including family, friends, and even mere acquaintances. At times, I allowed my fear to overtake my faith in myself, and in God. At the beginning of my early recovery, I often felt I was on shaky ground and did not trust my intuition. I found that every single person I asked for advice or opinions differed from each other, and from me. After a short while, I realized that the Universe/God/Spirit orchestrated this confusion in order to remind of my deep spiritual connection, which was the catalyst in my seeking initial help for recovery, and that it was all that I needed as I sought guidance.
As fearful as I felt in speaking my truth about my addiction, on April 3, 2013, I was even more fearful of losing my battle and leaving behind my precious children and my only granddaughter at that time, Rosie. I asked for God’s grace, strength, and guidance, and single-handedly, by the grace of God, took the initial step in asking for help to save my life. When I finally spoke up, I felt empowered. I felt an even deeper spiritual connection.
My best friends of over forty years, Bill and Vicky Kelder, were right there with me the entire journey. They observed me in a complete mental breakdown, where I was incoherent and telling them all about the things I believed to be true (including that my husband was trying to kill me) just weeks before I asked for help. And when I went to the hospital in New York to detox, they were right there doing everything that needed to get done so that I would not have any responsibilities to worry about during my initial stage of recovery. Vicky visited me in order to bring me some clothes, but was not allowed through the double steel doors that separated us. We waved to each other through the little window. I felt like a prisoner. And in a way, I was.
After a few weeks’ post-recovery, when I returned home from rehab, I sought out advice (an old pattern of unhealthy behavior) from so many. Everything from “Where should I live now?” to “What should I do to earn a living?” And “What type of recovery practice do you think I should implement into my life now that I am in recovery?” The people at the recovery centers (two of them) where I did my rehab said that I “had to attend twelve-step meetings in order to recover properly.” I remember my life coach at that time, Maria Blon, a beautiful and kind soul, who said to me, “Only do what feels right for you,” as I expressed to her that I did not want to go these meetings as they did not resonate with me. I had wanted to explore and experience a holistic lifestyle using natural and organic solutions. Maria’s words gave me the strength and encouragement that I needed to begin my exploration and successful discovery of what I soon learned was an untapped path to recovery. Here is where my “Wellness Approach to Recovery” program was born.
During this time of seeking out so many opinions and so much advice from others, I felt like I was on a hamster wheel, and with Maria’s ongoing guidance, I decided to turn back to my faith, writing, praying, and meditation. We all falter at times. However, when we catch ourselves, and we are resilient through constant healthy practices and repetitive actions that reinforce our strength and our faith, it becomes a lifestyle.
A therapist suggested that I was “depressed,” and that medication would be helpful for me. I disagreed, as my body was finding its “new normal!” I had no intention of taking pills to regulate my brain ever again. Look where doing so had gotten me!
I knew inherently what I needed to heal, and what I did not need.
I was up every day, eating, going to work, working through my feelings with my life coach, Maria, feeling healthy, and yes, finding my way.
Healing from trauma is a lifelong process, and I am all in. I want to heal, to grow, to evolve, and to be a shining example of what recovery and wellness truly looks like, feels like, and is: awareness, self-regulation, balance, and self-care steeped in spiritual solutions. This IS recovery. I have a great support system, and my greatest support and direction comes from the Universe/God/Spirit. As I remain alert and awake and willing to embrace my spirituality, I understand more and more deeply why my life was saved on April 3, 2013.”
Love and blessings,