He was simply a warm body with a cold heart made of stone and a sharp tongue that cut my spirit, daily.
I traded him in for a heating blanket and reprieve from his self absorbed insatiable urge for attention, and haven’t missed the frostbite since.
Uh…yes, you! 😊
Love,
Wendy
Chasing to be chosen is a trauma response.
Your nervous system is running on an old program where you thought you had to earn someone’s love. You’re confusing inconsistency with connection. Sometimes, people idealize the other person or the potential of the relationship, overlooking the red flags of inconsistency.
“In some cases, inconsistent behavior can be a form of manipulation, where one person is keeping the other “on their toes” to maintain power and control.”
Take back your power. YOU are worthy in every moment without anyone else’s validation.
Familiar doesn’t mean healthy. It may feel like home when you haven’t felt anything different in relationships, including with your caregivers as a child. If it felt like chaos and dysfunction, that’s what “home“ feels like to you… this is your comfort zone…where you feel safe.
So when they pull away, it feels like you are “homeless.” And when they come back, even if it’s for a second, your “home” is actually a dopamine rush that settles your mind and nervous system only for a minute until they disappear..again…and they will.
It’s an addictive cycle of chaos…of control…certainly not love.
Set healthy boundaries to protect your overall wellness. You are not responsible for their inconsistent, dysfunctional behavior.
A true connection is built on mutual respect, consistency and an eagerness to support the other person in fulfilling their needs and enhancing their well being…reciprocity…not causing them constant confusion and dysregulation of their nervous system.
Rather than romanticizing, or excusing their behavior, create a grounding anchor mantra where you speak the truth of their harmful behavior. This is your boundary and clarity statement — it keeps harmful energy out.
Your brain can’t hold both “he loves me” and “his behavior is harmful to my well being” in focus without blurring them. This separates them so you stop merging them into one person.
The minute you begin to replace the romanticizing with the TRUTH of their inconsistent and harmful behavior, you guide your brain back to the truth of the “relationship.”
Suggested Mantra: The man I loved exists only in moments. The man I must protect myself from is the one who always returns.
Love and blessings,
Wendy
A letter to my fellow “humans…”
Your outrage is not only understandable…it’s justified. What you’re feeling is the deep pain and fear of watching a country you care about veer into dangerous, undemocratic territory, while those who swore an oath to protect its people and principles appear complicit, cowardly, or corrupt.
You are not alone in your devastation. Millions are witnessing what feels like the dismantling of democracy in real-time. A narcissistic leader consolidating power, stripping away rights, threatening essential programs like Medicaid, and stacking the system with loyalists is the exact playbook of authoritarian regimes.
And yes…the Senate, the branch of government meant to check executive overreach, has largely enabled it through silence, self-preservation, or ideological alignment. That betrayal feels like a punch to the gut. You’re watching a system built on supposed accountability abandon its most vulnerable citizens.
And…we are all deeply concerned about our children, grandchildren, and our aging population, our population who depend upon our government for peace, protection and prosperity.
The fear is real. The grief is real. And you’re allowed to feel all of it. Let yourself rage. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself scream.
And when you’re ready…remember this: we’ve been through dark times before. Civil rights leaders, Holocaust survivors, the LGBTQ+ movement, women’s suffrage—they all stared down evil and refused to be silent.
People are not able to self soothe right now when their lives and liberty and all they depend on to live with dignity has been stripped. Saying, “Just breathe” is not a solution…and feels insulting. People, myself included, need to seek personal solutions that will ensure our loved ones and our own protection. We must have the right to personal agency. I am FUMING and feeling deep loss. I am grieving the loss of our democracy and the loss of personal agency…of freedom.
Your fury is sacred. It’s what keeps people from going numb. It’s what births movements.
Here’s what is true…
You are not overreacting. You are under-protected.
KNOW THIS…
What’s happening now…stripping away Medicaid, threatening bodily autonomy, attacking marginalized communities, deportation, attacking free speech, cozying up to authoritarianism…is strategic. When the chaos is constant, the goal is to wear you down. To make you believe it’s inevitable. To silence your scream by overwhelming it.
Your clarity…your refusal to be gaslit…is a radical act.
EXERCISE YOUR PERSONAL AGENCY!
Document. Your voice matters. Write, speak, post, protest. Authoritarians win when dissent is silenced. As I ALWAYS say, “Speak your truth…unapologetically and loudly.”
Local action. National politics feel unmovable, but local organizing changes lives. Find local candidates or grassroots groups protecting healthcare, women’s rights, or immigrant families. Show up!
Support mutual aid. If institutions fail, communities survive by taking care of each other. Look into ways to directly help families in need—through money, food, rides, or housing support. Even small acts are acts of rebellion.
Call your representatives—even if they don’t listen. Flood their inboxes. Let them know you’re watching. History records silence. Make yours heard.
Protect Your Nervous System (Not to Pacify—But to Persevere)
You’re not soothing for comfort. You’re stabilizing so you can keep showing up.
Your nervous system isn’t weak for panicking…it’s wise. It knows something terrible is happening. The goal is to tend to it, not to silence it.
And as in so many events in my 67 years, I once again ask, “Where the hell was God when the world was/is burning?
And I know I am not alone in screaming this into the void. People have been asking this for centuries—from the ashes of Auschwitz, from the slave ships, from mass graves, from school shootings, from sickbeds and war zones and every place where evil has walked free while the innocent begged for mercy.
What we are confronting is not just grief or anger—it’s betrayal. A kind of soul-level betrayal that cuts deeper than anything else: “I believed there was something sacred, protective, maybe even loving…and it didn’t show up when it mattered most.”
This is a shattering thing to face.
So if your conclusion right now is: “There is no God. We are on our own.” — I hear you. That may be your truth in this moment, and it’s earned through heartbreak, not cynicism.
I say this:
If there is a God…maybe it’s not some all-controlling sky-father who intervenes like a puppet master. Maybe it’s not the version that we were taught in churches or books or prayers.
Maybe God is the spark that refuses to die inside you, even when you’re sobbing and hopeless and ready to give up.
Maybe God is the grit in your voice when you say, “This isn’t right, and how can I help?”
Maybe God is in you, not above you…A “collective consciousness…”
I know that right now…in all my fury and grief…I am more honest, more righteous, more awake than all the false prophets and smiling politicians put together.
And if a God exists, I imagine they’re weeping and screaming right alongside me/us, not floating above the pain like it’s someone else’s problem.
I haven’t any answers. I will not offer a spiritual spin because I am at a loss. But I am here as a witness to all of our pain.
We must stand together in our pain and not allow the chaos to confuse us…
We must be…
A companion and solution seeker in the devastation.
Love,
Wendy
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