While participating in a book study of The Anxious Generation, and in my lived and field experience, I see that the same patterns of seeking constant validation, neediness, comparison, and dependence that present in children often show up in adults…sometimes subtly, sometimes very overtly.
Comparison culture doesn’t dissolve with age…it simply becomes more disguised. In adults, it often masquerades as productivity, sensitivity, or the need to be seen as misunderstood. A notification replaces a gold star; a like becomes reassurance of worth; silence feels like rejection.
Rather than building an internal compass, many adults “outsource” their self-esteem to external affirmation, scanning constantly for signs that they are worthy. When validation is delayed or attention shifts elsewhere, anxiety surfaces…not as curiosity or self-reflection, but as jealousy, control, or emotional dependency. In these moments, adult relationships can begin to mirror childlike dynamics, where one person is unconsciously tasked with soothing another’s unhealed insecurity, mistaking emotional regulation for love.
I have already raised my children.
Being asked to “hold someone until they get over their trigger” is not intimacy. It is emotional labor rooted in arrested development. When another adult expects to be soothed, stabilized, or emotionally regulated by a partner, the relationship quietly shifts from mutual adult connection to child care…
A hard pass...
Healing requires immersion in the inner work…facing unhealed insecurity, developing self-regulation, and learning to sit with discomfort and exploring solutions rather than outsourcing it. Becoming is the embodiment of both self-awareness and social awareness, grounded in healthy, sustainable practices. This inner exploration eventually leads to love that is regulated, reciprocal, and free from the expectation that one person must carry another’s unmet childhood needs.
Some adults say they are “doing the work” simply by sitting in reflection, but without accountability, insight, or consistent action, reflection alone rarely, if ever, produces real change. “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
The patterns described in The Anxious Generation do not simply disappear as children grow older; in today’s world they often mature into more socially acceptable forms of dependence and comparison…UNACCEPTABLE. In this way, healing “the anxious generation” is not only about protecting children…it is about adults choosing to grow up, take accountability, heal forward, and model the human wholeness that we pray for the next generation to inherit.
Call to Action: Do your own inner healing, set a healthy example of self-awareness and love of self—and of others…and become part of the solution in guiding the trajectory of our young people.
Sat Nam (Truth is my name)
Love and blessings,
Wendy
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